Soul Food - the "Vibe"

So I was was thinking about how to put into words all that goes through my mind.  Not all the minute details, but to flow of it - the vibe.  The purpose being to explore, understand, heal, grow.  Hence the blog title "Soul Food"
I've been using that word a LOT lately - 'vibe'.  It seems so succinct.  One of those "nuff said" words.
I get vibes all the time.  I suppose we all do - but I feel like I might be hyper-plugged in to the vibes I get.  And it's rough.  Let me explain...
Say I'm having a conversation with a group of people and I get a disconcerting feeling that the words being said don't jibe with the vibe I'm getting.  For instance, recently I was in a committee meeting that was discussing a family with a crisis and the mother was being talked about in words that were on the surface of it - diplomatic.  But I had a growing unsettled feeling that underneath the words - where the truth lies (no pun intended) - the 'vibe' I was getting is that these people really don't like, respect, or care about this woman but know they absolutely can't say those words for fear of being thought unkind, intolerant, or judgmental.  Instead, couched in the diplomatic words were the unspoken meanings that had an amazing power over me.  This is the rough part.  Because I've learned a VERY critical lesson in life through nearly two decades of therapy, many years of several different religious and philosophical studies, countless self help books, classes, seminars, and workshops, twelve step programs, etc... and that is to trust my gut.  It never lies.  I may need to ask more, understand more, wait more, but my gut does NOT lie.  I've depended on this truth for decades and it has never - never failed me.
So when I get a strong vibe it usually means I need to do something about it.  Not for the greater good, although that is often what it turns out to be, but rather, for my own sanity.  My personal integrity demands that I honor this truth or I will pay somehow.  Feelings of discontent at the very least; misunderstandings, half truths, untruths and blatant lies all take a toll on my soul.  So I've learned that when I get a vibe - I need to honor it - somehow.
So back to the meeting now.  I say the words out loud that I get the feeling this woman is not very liked or respected and her feelings and wishes on a critical matter facing her family are being discounted as a result which is not anything I could support.  In that respect, even though no words of the kind were spoken, I knew in my heart what I was perceiving was correct by a 'reading between the lines' vibe I was getting.
It was met with angry - and I mean ANGRY denial and defensiveness out of balance with the comment.  My choice of words may have been a factor - I need to watch that - I get emotional.  But when asked if we were all united on the subject, I was of two minds.  On the one hand - if we abide by the protocols and policies then, yes, I have no complaint.  But there is now this whole other issue that grew to become the greater issue - hypocrisy, incongruence, hidden agendas or unrecognized agendas.  And I was alone.
It's a VERY lonely thing to take a stand in opposition to what the majority values, accepts, defends, and promotes.  It's hard to be different when others make you pay with words or feelings of ostracisation.  I've been here before - in therapy groups, in workplaces, in classrooms.  It is this vibe that I get from time to time that the truth is not being told.  And I have a compelling need for truth.  I cannot seem to leave well enough alone but instead will point out the truth as I see it and suffer the consequences.  It could be argued that this is a valiant and noble thing.  I believe it is.  It's also social suicide. and one wonders if I really need to appoint myself the defender of truth in all situations.
I'd like to say I'm ok standing alone.  I'm strong enough, confident enough, centered enough.  But truth is it hurts.  It hurts to be misunderstood or devalued and excluded.  It's in part, why I write this.  Writing is a healing balm and may even help in ways I don't yet comprehend but I trust this process.
Because for a truth defender, there's never a day off.  And I get worn down sometimes.
But I have the outcome that makes it all worth it in the end.  I have my integrity intact, my truth honored and defended, and the satisfaction of discovering that I am strong, capable, honest, compassionate, caring, tolerant, inclusive, and maybe most importantly - forgiving.
See, I've replayed that angry, ANGRY response many times and it stings less and less each time as I'm led to consider the misery it was born of.  That reaction spoke volumes about what that person was feeling, and that was their truth that I have a chance to honor now.

Healing

So I continue to walk almost daily - as much to get out as to exercise. I walk at the park a few times a week with Vanessa and some of the ward's young women (she's in the YW presidency). Sometimes I walk at a mall (like last night with Jake and Ashlee). But I MOVE. And when I move, my mind becomes unstuck - which is why I used to love my long runs - it was the only time my mind could really unravel. I gain some perspective and for a time I'm distracted from my cares.

That's been important as I try to sort out what it is my Father in Heaven wants from and for me; in relationships, health, home, finances, work. And it's coming. But the way it comes is a little at a time, just when I need it, and after I've taken a step or two (or more) into the darkness of the unknown. As I put one step in front of the other I find what I need to know or to do.

It's quite a parallel really, this step-at-a-time healing and progression both physically and spiritually/emotionally/mentally. A step at a time. Trusting - in myself, in the promptings of the Holy Ghost, in God's ability and intent to reach my reaching.

I still face the same problems as a month ago, but with a greater degree of understanding and hope as progress is made; as I WORK toward resolutions in faith. Seeking the higher good of Heavenly Father's will for me allows me to pray and work for what I feel is best while allowing Him to reveal a higher, greater plan. And it's a formula that is working. It has worked before which is the reason I'm blessed to be able to trust in it now. As a former counselor said to me once - "You can't be a stranger to God and expect to find His goodness". I've practiced not being a stranger to Him.

So I'm healing.
‘All that happens becomes bread to nourish, soap to cleanse, fire to purify, a chisel to carve heavenly features. Everything is a channel of His Grace.’ One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voscamp.
I sure am being chiseled and burned and scrubbed and fed right now! But it's all good - literally. I am His and I am well.

Trying not to fall apart.......

I have been busy trying to progress physically, spiritually, emotionally, mentally, financially, academically, and making some headway.
This past year I've lost over 60 pounds, gotten quite a lot more fit, and accomplished some major physical goals like hiking to Lake Catherine last October.
I've begun exploring these amazing mountains and claiming some special spots as my meditative getaways; taking my sketch journal along to capture my surroundings and my thoughts and feelings.
I've quit a job I grew to hate (Zionsbancorp) even though it was as stable a job as they come and the pay wasn't bad, in favor of two part time jobs: H.S. Science Teacher for at-risk youth in the a.m. and Instructional Aide for the Granite Peaks Adult Learning Center at Granger H.S. at night. My physical and mental inability to sit at a desk was increasingly a factor.
I've started up our bakery business: Indigo Bakery, in-between jobs. I established a few regular customers and continue to practice my designing skills while Carl perfects some recipes.
I got myself into counseling to work on some personal/relationship issues that came more to the forefront as my personal progress led to increased ability to cope I suppose. I read voraciously and did a lot of reflective journaling and tried to keep an open mind and stay humble as to Heavenly Father's will for me in all things (having NO idea what that would end up meaning).
I felt compelled to hike in the mountains and to go to the Temple as often as I could. I even took time from work to retreat to these havens for contemplation, revelation, and inspiration.
Looking back, I see it was the hand of a loving God that prompted me to make these changes and to learn to rely more wholly on Him to do what I could not do for myself. In that way, I drew closer to Him and that set the stage for what was to come.
Since about December, my body began to complain more loudly. My neck, back, and knees were not the most pressing issue. It was after the hike to Catherine that my left hip began to bother about every day - sometimes excruciating sharp shooting pains that led me to get steroid injections on two occasions, but with no lasting relief. It was decided (after talking to no fewer than 4 doctors) that a hip replacement was the only alternative. I did my research, found an amazing surgeon, and went for it; knowing if I wanted to be back on the mountain this season, I needed to do it now. 3 weeks post-surgery, I can say it was wise and have no regrets.
I've only been this grateful for medical insurance 1 or 2 other times! What a life saver! Financially, we've been struggling a lot since we moved here. That was definitely NOT in the plan! But having invested so heavily in real estate, and having the economy turn the way it did, well... enough said, I suppose.
Our home has been in jeopardy since we relied on the equity to help us through, not foreseeing that some other financial factors would compromise our ability to pay it down.
We have other assets I'm so grateful for, but I've NEVER been in danger of losing my primary residence and it's been stressful beyond stressful. We did try a modification which helped stall the foreclosure process and kept our past due mortgage in suspension, but just this month learned (after several months of waiting) that we do not meet the criteria.
That means the past due amount was going to be accelerated (called due), and we simply did not have the funds.
At this same time, some major family issues came to light that are changing the course for us all and it has been nothing short of traumatic. I was just numb for a while - still to this day a bit so.
I've never felt so helpless to affect a change in my own life since I was a child living in south central L.A., crying myself to sleep alone in my home; scared beyond my ability to bear it, yet unable to do otherwise.
I have support but cannot talk about the details of what is happening without impacting the reputation and feelings of others. So I rely on my God. He has not let me down. I feel His loving guidance, comfort, strength. But I suffer. So much.
There is not one area of my life that has not been seriously impacted and I'm just reeling from it all.
And I am concerned for my family. My kids have risen to the occasion and are real sources of support in many ways, but I NEED my friends. I MISS my friends. Now I cry. I cannot imagine trying to get through this without them but they are far away and I just can't talk on the phone - I hate it for one - but I'd just bawl through it. I need a few days with them to just sit and talk and heal.
And I continue to go to counseling and to the Temple and to read and to rest and to exercise and eat well and look for and work for answers and solutions to the dilemmas that surround me.
I've asked for your prayers without being able to fully tell you why they are so needed. Some of you thought it was my hip surgery, which was definitely part of it. Now I feel like I can begin to let some of you in on how much more it has been than that.
This has been hard to write but my friend, Pamela has blogged about her life recently and I love being let into her experience and have an opportunity to offer what I can. So she has inspired me to do this - to let you in when I just can't have the conversation with you just yet.
I hope for and work toward better days. I don't believe Heavenly Father has brought me this far to leave me here.

The process is EVERYTHING!

So as I was doing stair sprints at Taylorsville highschool, it occurred to me I'd like to start a video journal of what I'm going through. It's VERY different than what I've done in the past; in part, because the time is just right for this now, at 53, with kids grown and having learned a TON (no pun intended) about myself, the world, life, and my place in it. So while this started out as just a fun snippet for me to look back on, I'm beginning to feel it has so much more significance than that; for me, and maybe for others too. I'm beginning with that first video clip Carl took of me at the high school and some random thoughts I was having that day. I'll add to this as my motivation and inspiration flow. It's a little scary even for me; not knowing what I'll feel inclined to share, and this being so personal a process. But here goes!
Hope you enjoy the ride with me :)

Although it's hard to tell at this distance, this is the quilt face for my latest quilting project - a Chinese folk art for my friend and former lab assistant Auggie Cheung.

It's not my first quilt, but the first one we've taken pictures of.

I have always done patchwork or pieced quilts until I started making quilts for my grandkids.  For Koral and Ivy I did French Canadian and German folk art drawings in fabric markers.  Then I quilted snowflakes on Koral's and flowers on Ivy's.

That was a learning experience!  

I've decided I need to choose - artwork and tied quilts or hand-stitched quilts.

Right now I'm exploring the possibilities in these cultural heritage quilts.

Auggie's gets sent off to Cali before she goes back to China this summer for a mission for her Chinese Baptist church.

Now my next project is Liane's quilt including Mexican and French Canadian folk art.

It isn't perfection by any means...but when I talked to Auggie just a few minutes ago, she said she was mostly excited to see it because I made it for her (it only took 2 1/2 years!).  

So the value is in the effort I think.

I really do think it's beautiful if not perfect!

If you're wondering, I free-hand it, using folk art images I pull off the internet and interpreting them.  Mistakes happen along the way - especially because I don't measure or plan anything in advance.  It's an evolving work.

It's worth mentioning that I found myself more willing and available to work on the quilt lately since I have a back injury that has kept me down for awhile and made it impossible to get outside for any real landscaping/gardening.

Farmington Bay

I have been craving the outdoors - and ironic since I'm in one of the most magnificent states in the Union for outdoor recreation and sightseeing.
Carl and I did go with friends for a cookout in Big Cottonwood Canyon a while back and love being in the Wasatch Mountains (just outside my window to the East - about a 15 minute drive). On the way down the mountain we literally almost ran into a bull moose! Came within about 6 feet!

This last weekend we tried something a little tamer - a 25 minute drive through gorgeous countryside to Farmington Bay. It's similar to Upper Newport Bay (Back Bay) in Cali but massively bigger, and the salt source is the Great Salt Lake.

We went to see the Bald Eagles but their nests are being protected so we can only get back on foot which we weren't prepared to do that day. We'll be going back this weekend. We did see some cool birds on the 2 miles or so we walked off the dirt road. Mostly Canada geese but also Northern Harriers and lots of waterfowl. Sandhill Cranes and Great Blue Herons have gigantic nests on poles made by the wildlife conservationists - which are often also the hunters here in Utah.

ELFIE!

Ok...it's been awhile but I'm planning to get caught up!
Here's our newest rescue - a purebred mini schnauzer registered as Princess Jane. She lived with what seems to be a very nice family that just got way too busy for her and she wasn't a priority. We think she was fed with the 2 heelers they had which meant she got what was left - if anything. A dog her size should eat about a cup of dry food a day so she wasn't even getting that! She weighed just 9 pounds which is at least 3-4 pounds underweight.
But in the 1st 4 days we've had her she's put on 2 1/2 pounds!
She is a very balanced dog as far as her temperament goes so my plan is to certify her as a therapy dog. Once we're a certified, registered therapy team, we can go into Primary Children's Medical Center, and hopefully Huntsman Cancer Center too.
Meanwhile I continue to expose her to things that she'll be evaluated on like ability to pass through crowds undestracted, comfort with lots of handling which can sometimes be agressive (my grandkids:), loud sudden noises (Ivy:), auditory, visual, and olfactory distractions, and willingness to be walked away from me by a stranger.
Interestingly, these are all things that are not typical of things dogs have been bred for centuries to do, so it all depends on the training and socialization. That's why the certifying agencies require I have at least 6 months with her to adequately assess her.
It's not like I needed one more thing to do - it's just that dogs feed my soul!
I'll keep you posted!