So I continue to walk almost daily - as much to get out as to exercise. I walk at the park a few times a week with Vanessa and some of the ward's young women (she's in the YW presidency). Sometimes I walk at a mall (like last night with Jake and Ashlee). But I MOVE. And when I move, my mind becomes unstuck - which is why I used to love my long runs - it was the only time my mind could really unravel. I gain some perspective and for a time I'm distracted from my cares.
That's been important as I try to sort out what it is my Father in Heaven wants from and for me; in relationships, health, home, finances, work. And it's coming. But the way it comes is a little at a time, just when I need it, and after I've taken a step or two (or more) into the darkness of the unknown. As I put one step in front of the other I find what I need to know or to do.
It's quite a parallel really, this step-at-a-time healing and progression both physically and spiritually/emotionally/mentally. A step at a time. Trusting - in myself, in the promptings of the Holy Ghost, in God's ability and intent to reach my reaching.
I still face the same problems as a month ago, but with a greater degree of understanding and hope as progress is made; as I WORK toward resolutions in faith. Seeking the higher good of Heavenly Father's will for me allows me to pray and work for what I feel is best while allowing Him to reveal a higher, greater plan. And it's a formula that is working. It has worked before which is the reason I'm blessed to be able to trust in it now. As a former counselor said to me once - "You can't be a stranger to God and expect to find His goodness". I've practiced not being a stranger to Him.
So I'm healing. One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voscamp.
I sure am being chiseled and burned and scrubbed and fed right now! But it's all good - literally. I am His and I am well.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Monday, February 14, 2011
Trying not to fall apart.......
I have been busy trying to progress physically, spiritually, emotionally, mentally, financially, academically, and making some headway.
This past year I've lost over 60 pounds, gotten quite a lot more fit, and accomplished some major physical goals like hiking to Lake Catherine last October.
I've begun exploring these amazing mountains and claiming some special spots as my meditative getaways; taking my sketch journal along to capture my surroundings and my thoughts and feelings.
I've quit a job I grew to hate (Zionsbancorp) even though it was as stable a job as they come and the pay wasn't bad, in favor of two part time jobs: H.S. Science Teacher for at-risk youth in the a.m. and Instructional Aide for the Granite Peaks Adult Learning Center at Granger H.S. at night. My physical and mental inability to sit at a desk was increasingly a factor.
I've started up our bakery business: Indigo Bakery, in-between jobs. I established a few regular customers and continue to practice my designing skills while Carl perfects some recipes.
I got myself into counseling to work on some personal/relationship issues that came more to the forefront as my personal progress led to increased ability to cope I suppose. I read voraciously and did a lot of reflective journaling and tried to keep an open mind and stay humble as to Heavenly Father's will for me in all things (having NO idea what that would end up meaning).
I felt compelled to hike in the mountains and to go to the Temple as often as I could. I even took time from work to retreat to these havens for contemplation, revelation, and inspiration.
Looking back, I see it was the hand of a loving God that prompted me to make these changes and to learn to rely more wholly on Him to do what I could not do for myself. In that way, I drew closer to Him and that set the stage for what was to come.
Since about December, my body began to complain more loudly. My neck, back, and knees were not the most pressing issue. It was after the hike to Catherine that my left hip began to bother about every day - sometimes excruciating sharp shooting pains that led me to get steroid injections on two occasions, but with no lasting relief. It was decided (after talking to no fewer than 4 doctors) that a hip replacement was the only alternative. I did my research, found an amazing surgeon, and went for it; knowing if I wanted to be back on the mountain this season, I needed to do it now. 3 weeks post-surgery, I can say it was wise and have no regrets.
I've only been this grateful for medical insurance 1 or 2 other times! What a life saver! Financially, we've been struggling a lot since we moved here. That was definitely NOT in the plan! But having invested so heavily in real estate, and having the economy turn the way it did, well... enough said, I suppose.
Our home has been in jeopardy since we relied on the equity to help us through, not foreseeing that some other financial factors would compromise our ability to pay it down.
We have other assets I'm so grateful for, but I've NEVER been in danger of losing my primary residence and it's been stressful beyond stressful. We did try a modification which helped stall the foreclosure process and kept our past due mortgage in suspension, but just this month learned (after several months of waiting) that we do not meet the criteria.
That means the past due amount was going to be accelerated (called due), and we simply did not have the funds.
At this same time, some major family issues came to light that are changing the course for us all and it has been nothing short of traumatic. I was just numb for a while - still to this day a bit so.
I've never felt so helpless to affect a change in my own life since I was a child living in south central L.A., crying myself to sleep alone in my home; scared beyond my ability to bear it, yet unable to do otherwise.
I have support but cannot talk about the details of what is happening without impacting the reputation and feelings of others. So I rely on my God. He has not let me down. I feel His loving guidance, comfort, strength. But I suffer. So much.
There is not one area of my life that has not been seriously impacted and I'm just reeling from it all.
And I am concerned for my family. My kids have risen to the occasion and are real sources of support in many ways, but I NEED my friends. I MISS my friends. Now I cry. I cannot imagine trying to get through this without them but they are far away and I just can't talk on the phone - I hate it for one - but I'd just bawl through it. I need a few days with them to just sit and talk and heal.
And I continue to go to counseling and to the Temple and to read and to rest and to exercise and eat well and look for and work for answers and solutions to the dilemmas that surround me.
I've asked for your prayers without being able to fully tell you why they are so needed. Some of you thought it was my hip surgery, which was definitely part of it. Now I feel like I can begin to let some of you in on how much more it has been than that.
This has been hard to write but my friend, Pamela has blogged about her life recently and I love being let into her experience and have an opportunity to offer what I can. So she has inspired me to do this - to let you in when I just can't have the conversation with you just yet.
I hope for and work toward better days. I don't believe Heavenly Father has brought me this far to leave me here.
This past year I've lost over 60 pounds, gotten quite a lot more fit, and accomplished some major physical goals like hiking to Lake Catherine last October.
I've begun exploring these amazing mountains and claiming some special spots as my meditative getaways; taking my sketch journal along to capture my surroundings and my thoughts and feelings.
I've quit a job I grew to hate (Zionsbancorp) even though it was as stable a job as they come and the pay wasn't bad, in favor of two part time jobs: H.S. Science Teacher for at-risk youth in the a.m. and Instructional Aide for the Granite Peaks Adult Learning Center at Granger H.S. at night. My physical and mental inability to sit at a desk was increasingly a factor.
I've started up our bakery business: Indigo Bakery, in-between jobs. I established a few regular customers and continue to practice my designing skills while Carl perfects some recipes.
I got myself into counseling to work on some personal/relationship issues that came more to the forefront as my personal progress led to increased ability to cope I suppose. I read voraciously and did a lot of reflective journaling and tried to keep an open mind and stay humble as to Heavenly Father's will for me in all things (having NO idea what that would end up meaning).
I felt compelled to hike in the mountains and to go to the Temple as often as I could. I even took time from work to retreat to these havens for contemplation, revelation, and inspiration.
Looking back, I see it was the hand of a loving God that prompted me to make these changes and to learn to rely more wholly on Him to do what I could not do for myself. In that way, I drew closer to Him and that set the stage for what was to come.
Since about December, my body began to complain more loudly. My neck, back, and knees were not the most pressing issue. It was after the hike to Catherine that my left hip began to bother about every day - sometimes excruciating sharp shooting pains that led me to get steroid injections on two occasions, but with no lasting relief. It was decided (after talking to no fewer than 4 doctors) that a hip replacement was the only alternative. I did my research, found an amazing surgeon, and went for it; knowing if I wanted to be back on the mountain this season, I needed to do it now. 3 weeks post-surgery, I can say it was wise and have no regrets.
I've only been this grateful for medical insurance 1 or 2 other times! What a life saver! Financially, we've been struggling a lot since we moved here. That was definitely NOT in the plan! But having invested so heavily in real estate, and having the economy turn the way it did, well... enough said, I suppose.
Our home has been in jeopardy since we relied on the equity to help us through, not foreseeing that some other financial factors would compromise our ability to pay it down.
We have other assets I'm so grateful for, but I've NEVER been in danger of losing my primary residence and it's been stressful beyond stressful. We did try a modification which helped stall the foreclosure process and kept our past due mortgage in suspension, but just this month learned (after several months of waiting) that we do not meet the criteria.
That means the past due amount was going to be accelerated (called due), and we simply did not have the funds.
At this same time, some major family issues came to light that are changing the course for us all and it has been nothing short of traumatic. I was just numb for a while - still to this day a bit so.
I've never felt so helpless to affect a change in my own life since I was a child living in south central L.A., crying myself to sleep alone in my home; scared beyond my ability to bear it, yet unable to do otherwise.
I have support but cannot talk about the details of what is happening without impacting the reputation and feelings of others. So I rely on my God. He has not let me down. I feel His loving guidance, comfort, strength. But I suffer. So much.
There is not one area of my life that has not been seriously impacted and I'm just reeling from it all.
And I am concerned for my family. My kids have risen to the occasion and are real sources of support in many ways, but I NEED my friends. I MISS my friends. Now I cry. I cannot imagine trying to get through this without them but they are far away and I just can't talk on the phone - I hate it for one - but I'd just bawl through it. I need a few days with them to just sit and talk and heal.
And I continue to go to counseling and to the Temple and to read and to rest and to exercise and eat well and look for and work for answers and solutions to the dilemmas that surround me.
I've asked for your prayers without being able to fully tell you why they are so needed. Some of you thought it was my hip surgery, which was definitely part of it. Now I feel like I can begin to let some of you in on how much more it has been than that.
This has been hard to write but my friend, Pamela has blogged about her life recently and I love being let into her experience and have an opportunity to offer what I can. So she has inspired me to do this - to let you in when I just can't have the conversation with you just yet.
I hope for and work toward better days. I don't believe Heavenly Father has brought me this far to leave me here.
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