So I was was thinking about how to put into words all that goes through my mind. Not all the minute details, but to flow of it - the vibe. The purpose being to explore, understand, heal, grow. Hence the blog title "Soul Food"
I've been using that word a LOT lately - 'vibe'. It seems so succinct. One of those "nuff said" words.
I get vibes all the time. I suppose we all do - but I feel like I might be hyper-plugged in to the vibes I get. And it's rough. Let me explain...
Say I'm having a conversation with a group of people and I get a disconcerting feeling that the words being said don't jibe with the vibe I'm getting. For instance, recently I was in a committee meeting that was discussing a family with a crisis and the mother was being talked about in words that were on the surface of it - diplomatic. But I had a growing unsettled feeling that underneath the words - where the truth lies (no pun intended) - the 'vibe' I was getting is that these people really don't like, respect, or care about this woman but know they absolutely can't say those words for fear of being thought unkind, intolerant, or judgmental. Instead, couched in the diplomatic words were the unspoken meanings that had an amazing power over me. This is the rough part. Because I've learned a VERY critical lesson in life through nearly two decades of therapy, many years of several different religious and philosophical studies, countless self help books, classes, seminars, and workshops, twelve step programs, etc... and that is to trust my gut. It never lies. I may need to ask more, understand more, wait more, but my gut does NOT lie. I've depended on this truth for decades and it has never - never failed me.
So when I get a strong vibe it usually means I need to do something about it. Not for the greater good, although that is often what it turns out to be, but rather, for my own sanity. My personal integrity demands that I honor this truth or I will pay somehow. Feelings of discontent at the very least; misunderstandings, half truths, untruths and blatant lies all take a toll on my soul. So I've learned that when I get a vibe - I need to honor it - somehow.
So back to the meeting now. I say the words out loud that I get the feeling this woman is not very liked or respected and her feelings and wishes on a critical matter facing her family are being discounted as a result which is not anything I could support. In that respect, even though no words of the kind were spoken, I knew in my heart what I was perceiving was correct by a 'reading between the lines' vibe I was getting.
It was met with angry - and I mean ANGRY denial and defensiveness out of balance with the comment. My choice of words may have been a factor - I need to watch that - I get emotional. But when asked if we were all united on the subject, I was of two minds. On the one hand - if we abide by the protocols and policies then, yes, I have no complaint. But there is now this whole other issue that grew to become the greater issue - hypocrisy, incongruence, hidden agendas or unrecognized agendas. And I was alone.
It's a VERY lonely thing to take a stand in opposition to what the majority values, accepts, defends, and promotes. It's hard to be different when others make you pay with words or feelings of ostracisation. I've been here before - in therapy groups, in workplaces, in classrooms. It is this vibe that I get from time to time that the truth is not being told. And I have a compelling need for truth. I cannot seem to leave well enough alone but instead will point out the truth as I see it and suffer the consequences. It could be argued that this is a valiant and noble thing. I believe it is. It's also social suicide. and one wonders if I really need to appoint myself the defender of truth in all situations.
I'd like to say I'm ok standing alone. I'm strong enough, confident enough, centered enough. But truth is it hurts. It hurts to be misunderstood or devalued and excluded. It's in part, why I write this. Writing is a healing balm and may even help in ways I don't yet comprehend but I trust this process.
Because for a truth defender, there's never a day off. And I get worn down sometimes.
But I have the outcome that makes it all worth it in the end. I have my integrity intact, my truth honored and defended, and the satisfaction of discovering that I am strong, capable, honest, compassionate, caring, tolerant, inclusive, and maybe most importantly - forgiving.
See, I've replayed that angry, ANGRY response many times and it stings less and less each time as I'm led to consider the misery it was born of. That reaction spoke volumes about what that person was feeling, and that was their truth that I have a chance to honor now.
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